Inglourious Basterds

Welcome to Quentin Tarantino's version of World War II. It's not real history. He takes a few creative strides that come closer to wishful thinking than reality.

But there is much to learn from this alternate take on the great war. Here's my list.

1. The Nazi occupation of France was set to a soundtrack akin to spaghetti westerns and 70's era kung fu. With a touch of Jazz and David Bowie.
2. Some of the Nazis were murderous and vile. Others were effeminate bi-polar creeps.
3. Hitler had a temper problem.
4. Don't trust Nazi films starlets. They're not too bright.
5. Nazi war heroes are hopeless romantics. If their charm doesn't woo you, they'll just shoot you.
6. Seeing people drink beer from a glass boot never gets old.
7. If you must have a nick-name, you better have a cool one.
8. Nitrate film is highly flammable. And deadly.
9. Pissed of Jewish mercenaries cuss. A lot.
10. I laugh during awkward moments of cinematic brutality.

That last one has nothing to do with the movie, but it is true. And Inglourious Basterds has no shortage of uncomfortable sequences of violence. The movie opens with exterminations, and ends with execution. Between those bookends, Tarantino's cup of death and disfigurment runneth over. Brad Pitt, Eli Roth and their gang of "Basterds" (Jewish American soldiers hellbent on a mission to kill as many Nazis as possible) indulge themselves in a cavalcade of scalping, carving, fists, bombs, and bullets.

Through it all, we cheer on the righteous vengeance of the basterds and a Jewish girl with a grudge (Mélanie Laurent) who owns the movie theater that houses a Nazi movie premier and the final scenes of carnage. Tarantino creates no sympathy for the Nazis and treats them with contempt. He then gives us an ending to the war that never happened.

It is a better movie than I expected. Far less disturbing than I've come to expect out of Tarantino - who gives as a well written script, excellent production, and a superb cast.

Inglourious Basterds has earned its spot in my top five movies of 2009. My mother-in-law rooted for the Basterds (she generally abhors movies with gratuitous language and bloodshed), and Bekah enjoyed it. That being said, it is not a movie for little kids. Christian was upstairs watching Horton for the 87th time while we watched Basterds. Unless you want your kids to endure years of therapy when they grow up - keep the little ones away.

The Forbidden Kingdom

I like martial arts movies. Wait, scratch that... I like good martial arts movies. Granted, the word "good" is highly subjective and what one individual describes as good, another might see a steaming pile of cow turds.

In the case of The Forbidden Kingdom, I'm leaning more toward the steaming pile of poo. But at least it's shiny. Jackie Chan and Jet Li are both masters at what they do, and in Forbidden Kingdom it looks like they are having the fun they've spent their careers trying to achieve. Chan re-assumes his Drunken Master style, and Li carries a devious silence like one who possesses a secret knowledge. The fighting choreography is on par with what their respective fans have come to expect. The scenes where the two icons of Americanized Kung Fu argue over how to teach their arts to a hapless teen are priceless. However, the movie itself is as forgettable as... well... I don't remember.

The story follows a clumsy American teenager - fanatically obsessed with kung fu movies - who discovers an inner power and learns to kick butt with some epic fighting skills. It's like the Karate Kid without Mr. Miyagi. (Ironically, Chan is taking the roll of Mr. Miyagi in the upcoming Karate Kid remake.)

The teen (played by Michael Angarano) is mystically transported to an ancient and scenic world filled with magic and pseudo-Chinese mythology. He is the assumed fulfilment of a prophesy set to restore the Monkey King. Yet all he wants to do is go home (even though he is a picked on loser there... but he's got a crush on some girl so it balances out).

The finished film is a convoluted plot with some fantastic fight scenes, utter predictability, and a thick layer of cheese. It's good enough to watch once. But only once. After that it's a slightly stale pile of shiny cow dung.